I'm delighted to talk about one of my favourite, and rarely discussed topics; intrusive thoughts, with my inspiring friend and colleague of many years @katemoyletherapy. We talk all about how and why we experience them, how the impact our sex lives and what we can do to tackle them.
“I work with individuals and couples who may need support with sexual issues, conflict or connection with their partner or with themselves.
The pandemic is taking a toll on relationships, but what I’m seeing, and what a lot of other relationship therapists are seeing, are couples who may have been struggling already. Covid has amplified or perpetuated some of the problems — it’s almost been fuel to the fire…..”
I spoke to the wonderful @becky_crepsley_fox about The Orgasm Gap. How our sex education, sexual scripts, and societies views on gender can impact this discrepancy.
We discussed ways that you can challenge the narrative and what we need to do as a society to tackle these messages.
Listen to Sex Unshackled to hear Becky speak to some wonderful people normalise, debunk myths and educate freely.
Single or separated from a partner right now? You can still be intimate. This article looks at ways to stay connected with your partner, while keeping safe. Just like every other aspect of life, plenty of us have also been moving sex online, with 21% of people in the UK being more sexually intimate virtually than in person, according to research by sexual wellness brand LELO.
The pandemic has brought unique challenges to us all. However, one of the most prominent stressors are the challenges that we are faced within our relationship. Living through a pandemic with your partner, may have seemed like something from a Meg Ryan movie a year ago, but now it is riddled with unforeseen stressors. Childcare, health anxiety and finances are just some of the topics that result in conflict. In this article with @image.ie I give tips that may help to navigate your way through the challenges. Whether you live together or not.
I spoke to Caroline West about the term ‘Sex Addiction’ the lack of scientific evidence we have to back it up. The WHO, CCMD, and APA don't recognise it as an addiction, rather a Compulsive Behaviour as currently outlined in the ICD-11.
We discussed that although it can FEEL like an addiction and a sense of being out of control, I don't use terms like 'relapse' or 'abstaining', these can reinforce feelings of shame and isolation. We really want to be building on creating healthier relationships with sex, and masturbation.
As a therapist I look at why the behaviour may occur in the first place; aspects like trauma, attachment, grief, depression, and anxiety, OCD, schemas, emotional regulation, self-worth (and many more reasons) may be factors. As therapists, we then try to support the individual by identifying and working through these challenges and integrating healthier ways of viewing themselves and coping skills.
Thank you to Caroline for creating this platform to facilitate these conversations that can normalise, destigmatise and challenge misinformation, so that people feel less alone and can access support.
Ever had thoughts of: Dropping a baby. Stepping in front of a train or off a ledge. Doubt that you love your partner (when you KNOW you do). Note: I've experienced these!
90% of people experience intrusive thoughts (Gagnon 1991, Clark 1993): Yet we rarely speak about them. The more we talk about this kind of thoughts, the less they become secret and maintain shame and power over us. ESPECIALLY ones of a sexual nature.
I felt incredibly lucky to speak to my WONDERFUL colleague and friend Catriona Boffard about a topic we both feel we need to discuss more.
Have you ever wondered if you’re the only one who gets those unwanted, terrible thoughts that come into your head unexpectedly…
You know the one’s I’m talking about. Crashing your car? Imagining everyone naked? What about something as upsetting as having sexual thoughts about to children?
In this weeks episode, psychosexual and relationship therapist Aoife Drury and I delve into a topic that is definitely not spoken about enough. We explore how these thoughts are always unwanted and cause someone immense distress, and what the difference is between the random intrusive thoughts we all get everyday, and the immense distress that thoughts like this can cause, and what behaviour they can result in. We talk about not letting these thoughts walk through the door, and how we need to explore and be curious as to whether our thoughts are fear or fact.
Research shows that 50% of women not reaching climax during sex. Many things can stand in the way of orgasms and enjoyment, particularly among women. Medicines, including antidepressants, hormonal deficiency and partner issues are just some of the challenges that can be created reaching climax. However, stress is another big factor. During the pandemic stress may be amplified. Money worries, fears of illness, being isolated at home are all reasons to take a toll on your sex life and the ability to stay present, in turn having an impact on our orgasms. We are amid a pandemic; the fear of the unknown, the uncertainty; can create anxiety and stress. It’s important to recognise that this is a very normal reaction to an incredibly overwhelming situation.
Porn, despite its links to anxiety reduction and a healthy appreciation of sexual encounters, has taken residence as the seedy underbelly of the technological revolution. It’s even been labeled a public health hazard by politicians in Utah. But does it deserve such a title, asks Kate Demolder
Physical touch is essential for our physical and emotional health. It reduces stress, relieves pain and allows us to communicate feelings that we can’t convey with words alone. Many of us are missing human touch, but the loss is especially pronounced for people who have been advised to cocoon and avoid physical contact with their loved ones.
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Being rejected can be tough, no matter how it happens, but dealing with rejection is one of those tricky things that we all need to learn how to do. Because, let's face it, rejection happens to everyone at one point or another.
So, how can you deal with rejection, why does it hurt so much, and what can you do to make it easier?
Caroline West spoke in The Sunday Business Post on the Vaginal Rejuvenation Industry and how it profits off the unrelenting standards of body image.
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Sex Therapist Aoife Drury states; ‘it’s important to remember that vulvas come in all shapes, sizes and colours and that each vulva is unique and individualised to its owner. Vulvas are not exempt from body shaming; these companies sustain messages of unachievable beauty standards by attempting to shroud messages of shame and inadequacy with beauty and wellness. Companies selling products that attempt to alter and or change the look of vulvas are only continuing to feed into the shame surrounding the appearance of female genitalia. These products are focused on creating and maintaining a level of insecurity for women whilst simultaneously profiting off them’. ⠀
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Caroline says: ‘Body positivity or body neutrality is one aspect of health but if it doesn't include education about the diversity of shape and colour in genitalia, the movement isn't complete. The market for sexual wellness is rapidly growing, projected to be worth $37 billion by 2022. It is crucial that caution must be taken to ensure this market is regulated, with product ingredients strictly regulated, and this industry should go hand in hand in with comprehensive sex education.'
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Genital matchmaking is the latest trend to hit the 'sexual wellness' shelves and, yes, it's about as bizarre (and unnecessary) as it sounds. It refers to the process of modifying yours and your partner's genitals in order to create the 'perfect fit' when it comes to sex. But does genital matchmaking actually work? And why is the idea behind it so problematic?
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From masturbating to an ex’s Twitch livestream to revenge sexting, people who cheated during quarantine discuss their motives, guilt (or lack of), and whether the digital will become physical
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The disparity between genders has been a constant throughout history and recently the spotlight has been shone on pay. The European Institute for Gender Equality (EIGE) each year publishes a Gender Equality Index and in 2019 it revealed that a women's mean monthly earnings are €2,808 in Ireland, compared to €3,423 for men.
The frustration that most of us feel can be exasperating. Unfortunately, there is another area where the discrepancy still lies, and that is in pleasure.
While breaking up with a partner might feel more difficult right now, remember that your wellbeing must come first - but that doesn't mean you need to be harsh on your ex. So if you're worrying, don't - we've got you. Here's our top advice on navigating a lockdown breakup that's kind on both sides.
This is one of those things that a lot of women don’t discuss due to shame and stigma, so the true extent is often unknown. Talking about a sexual problem can be very difficult for a lot of people, but it’s also the first step on the path to fixing it.
In 2020, technology and intimacy are interwoven in our lives. Some may view this as a negative,
but Aoife sees positives in this inter-connectivity: ‘Technology has a bad rap for hindering
intimacy, from turning towards your phone, rather than towards your partner. However, this is
primarily when it is misused or overused rather than it being the technology itself. Technology is
a part of us now, whether we like it or not and we have got to learn how to use it to our
advantage’. One area of sextech that is growing rapidly is online sex therapy. Sex and relationship therapist
Aoife Drury (drurytherapy.com) feels that online platforms such as social media can be a
positive tool for education: ‘I try to utilise social media to tackle taboos and misinformation. It is
absolutely vital that these conversations are normalised in mainstream media so people don’t
feel alone and encourage them to reach out for support if needed’. She outlines that this is
particularly important in the area of domestic abuse and stigmatised issues such as sexual
dysfunction.
Article by Caroline West: (Please email me to read the article)
Our libido fluctuates over the course of our lives, depending on hormones, social stressors, relationships and psychological factors. Peaks and troughs in desire are so normal but right now, due to COVID19, that dip may feel amplified.
Sexual frustration is something that most people have probably felt at one time or another. But as many of us are currently in lockdown away from partners or just unable to meet up with Bumble matches, we're feeling more frustrated than ever. We spoke to some experts to explain what sexual frustration actually is and the ways you can deal with it.
