Scheduling sex

Work takes over, social lives get busy, life becomes chaotic. Sometimes sex doesn't happen like osmosis and it goes on the back burner. Desire can't always be innate and spontaneous. Planning in times to have sex is perfectly 'normal' and a healthy thing to do. We plan and make time for other aspects of our lives, why not our intimate part too? If you're worried about it not being sexy, think again. Start off by placing it in with a date night, or perhaps massages for each other, maybe it could be reminiscing and connecting. Make time for each other in this busy world we live in.

How Long Should Therapy be?

Clients often ask me how long therapy should be for them. I always tell them I can't answer that. The therapeutic path is not a simple one and is often painful and challenging. Yet it is incredibly rewarding when everything starts to fall into place. When I meet with people for the first time, I usually ask them what they are hoping to get out of therapy and how they feel their lives would be different. Then, as time progresses, I check in with them to see how they feel the work is going and to what extent they feel their goals are being met. Gradually and patiently the answer will come to the surface; that in fact time isn't important, it's the context of that therapeutic duration.

Sex is more than penetration

Lets debunk some myths on a Thursday afternoon. The perception that "having sex" means erections, penetration or combined, ostracizes many. Alongside this, is completely and utterly untrue. Great sex can be had involving the same leisurely, playful, whole-body caressing, that our poor-sex-education-definition gave us.

Craving Intimacy

"Our souls crave intimacy"—Erwin Raphael McManus

Real intimacy is not found just by merging bodies in sex, it is a process – not a thing. It takes place over time and there are many different types including: emotional, sexual and intellectual amongst others.

It's important to harbour and develop intimacy in relationships through self awareness and knowledge not to mention the all important communication! 

Differentiation

So, what is differentiation? It's the opposite of symbiosis (connection as one - where codependency can arise...we will leave that to another day!)
Differentiation, the way we hold on to ourselves while staying connected to our partner. Differentiation requires the individual to be honest with themselves and partner, open to personal growth and the ability to express how they feel/think/desire while tolerating their partner doing the same. 
Differentiation facilitates authenticity and vulnerability, and resolving conflicts and accepting that you might not like each other at times!
Differentiation is something I talk to couples about from the beginning. It is interesting how often people become fearful of that change - within their partner or themselves- that holding integrity can create so much anxiety. In actual fact it can do quite the opposite! It can keep the passion alive, stop relationships becoming stale, break any repetitive cycle that's occurring with conflict (hostile/avoidance) and most importantly, ease re-traumatisation.
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Here are some tips to get you started with differentiation:
1. During a conflict or difficulty, try doing something that is 180 degrees different than what you have tried. 
2. Question yourself: How are the current relationship issues made worse by you, your attitude, your way of looking at issues.
3. Confront yourself, not your partner. See how it feels and how you contribute to issues. 
4. Ask yourself: Do I feel comfortable with my partner expressing their views, emotions or thoughts? •
See how it feels asking yourself these questions. If your differenation is strong in the relationship, you should be comfortable handing these over to your partner!  

Sexual Expression.

New research finds that comfort with sexual communication is directly linked to sexual satisfaction. Alongside this: People who are more comfortable talking about sex are also more likely to do so while having sex, the researchers found. Expressing yourself sexually tends to be easier during sexual activity as guards and barriers tend to be lowered. After all, people who are uncomfortable asking their partners to wear a condom may be at higher risk of having unprotected sex and exposing themselves to sexually transmitted infections. Which would reduce the fear of pregnancy or STI's and increase an individual feeling relaxed....not to mention the all important intimacy! So try to communicate and express yourself honestly. This will lead to a happier sex life.

Listening skills

Listening.
REALLY listening. 
We all want to be heard. REALLY heard. We often prioritise that over listening.  My favourite quote is; "Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply". How often have you found yourself doing just that? Sitting and listening to what someone is saying, but really thinking about your; emotions or rebuttle - getting geared up to respond. I know I have! That's why with couples that I see, I focus on getting them to listen, REALLY listen. The best exercise I find for this (Couple Therapists if you have good ones too please let me know!) is simple paraphrasing! This exercise is so easy to use and translates to most issues or topics you may be struggling with.
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 All you need to do is; one person be the speaker and the other the listener.
Speaker: Discusses how they are feeling or thinking. Listener:Use your own words to communicate what you understand the Speaker to be saying (paraphrase). Don’t just repeat what the Speaker has said. Listener:: Verify, clarify, or modify the Speaker’s paraphrased response. Speaker: Paraphrases what the Listener has said again.
This is intended to help the listener to know that the Speaker is aware of the Listener's perspective and has heard what they have said. Paraphrasing and restating also allows the Speaker to correct any misunderstanding on the part of the Listener.
Side note; when I was 19 I remember seeing a big poster, and it's always stuck with me. It said; We have two ears, two hands and one mouth-to talk less listen more and do most.

Intimacy and communication

The most common issue is not that couples are not communicating, its that couples are communicating in ways that push each other's emotional buttons.
In couple therapy you should get support with helping you learn how to communicate more effectively. 
Initially it's to try to get emotion out of the way when you are talking, so you can get to the root of the problems. Understanding yourself and your partner first is key. 

How can I know anything?

For my philosophy research presentation, as part of my Doctorate, I was allocated the question; ‘How Can I Know Anything?’

With this question being posed I decided to focus on people who believe in conspiracy theories.
The research that has come out this far, has been fascinating. It has given me such a deeper understanding of what it is to hold onto beliefs that may isolate us from others. I wanted to raise the importance of meeting difference of views with an attempt to understand first. Ostracization can only perpetuate the 'Othering' of individuals and these views become more ingrained and tend to enlarge, with further individual and societal consequences. Its worth remembering that we all skew how we view the world to fit the narratives we have about ourselves and our experiences.

Healthy relationships

@journey_to_wellness_ uses this lovely image to describe what a healthy relationship should look like. Learning about and valuing what is important to each other is paramount. Knowing and being able to express how you feel, your desires and thoughts facilitates openness which in turn leads to a deeper connection. Healthy relationships bring out the best in BOTH of yo

Empathic self-confrontation

Gaining insight, self-awareness whilst simultaneously showing self-compassion is invaluable. It helps you to push through the change you need, while doing so in a gentle manner.

Intimacy Tasks

Increasing communication and intimacy:
To really focus on each other, 'soul gazing' is a technique that can help eliminate distractions and increase intimacy. To engage in soul gazing you can either sit and face each other on a bed or couch or alternatively lying on the bed facing each other. Hold eye contact for 3-5 minutes. (you are allowed to blink!) however do try not to talk. It can be awkward however with practice and time it will become easier. Try it for 5 minutes! It's all about taking time for each other, helping to build trust and ultimately gain a new level of intimacy

Self-awareness

Self-awareness is a powerful tool to assist you gaining insight into how you feel and think. Being mindful is a valuable tool towards building a better understanding of your self-concept (how you think, feel and perceive yourself). Learning to identify emotions and triggers alone, can massively influence how you can create changes within. Therefore, enabling deeper connection with yourself, others and the world around you

Racism in Therapy

As therapists we want to be seen as “good people.” But the moment we see ourselves without flaws is the moment we should stop being therapists.  It is also vital that we understand the ongoing racial disparity in therapy. Psychology routinely neglects the structural and historical legacies of racism.

In medical and psychological research, there is a historical lack of diversity within clinical trials. 2 months ago I did an essay for a diploma I am carrying out, on limitations within case conceptulisation in CBT and cultural biases. I was horrified at what I discovered: There is no meta-analytic reports on ethnic minorities. Funnily enough research on the whole of humanity is necessary for understanding and treating, well the whole of humanity! It is embarrassing and shameful and needs to change.

Another part was about therapists ourselves.

1.Those that ask questions around race and culture tend to only be therapists that have originally carried out studies in multiculturalism.

2.Most therapists are not educated enough to be culturally competent due to lack of training.

3.Studies with trainee therapists display that clients of colour tend to have to raise the topic of culture themselves to discuss it in the room.

4.Finally, research demonstrates that therapists (to be seen as good) “don’t see colour” and therefore don’t bring it up. What this colour-blind attitude does is leave you blinded, blinded of the client’s experience, create a safe space and ability to support them. If we omit racism, we are denying trauma.

Szymanski (2001) stated, “The relationship between White privilege and unequal power relations has remained relatively unacknowledged in the counselling and psychology literature. “ in my opinion, in the therapeutic room. Racism and privilege play a role within the clinical setting, thus imperative that clinicians have an understanding of racism and power dynamics, and if White; work on their privilege. We need to face up to the fact that we have chosen to work in a systemically racist professional body and actually DO something about it.


   

Understanding your triggers

Ever been in a situation where somebody is telling you a story and you get a PANG of emotion (fear, rage, anxiety, sadness)?
It may take you by surprise and leave you feeling confused. Thinking that it's disproportionate to what was happening...well you were triggered! Some of us are great at identifying these triggers and some of us need more help.
Triggers can be anything from environmental factors, opinions, certain words or even just people! Triggers also tend to have a physiological reaction: palpitations,dizziness, hot flushes, nausea etc.Identifying triggers is no easy feat but it will certainly serve you. Without becoming aware of triggers you are at the mercy of your emotions manipulating you.

• Pay attention to your physical reactions. Like the ones I outlined above.

• Be mindful of any thoughts or words that whizz through your head after the physical response

• Notice your surroundings: who are you with, what are you doing, what can you see?

• What were you doing before you were triggered?

• Keep a journal on your phone or at home. See if you can find a pattern

• Be patient! This takes practice and time so show yourself some self-care!

The Drama Triangle

The Drama Triangle by Stephen Karpman is one of my must commonly used tools with couples. It helps to give insight and understanding to the type of destructive interaction that occurs between people in conflict. I'm a firm believer that in order to understand what is occurring in conflict you must unpick what your role is first, before attempting to blame others. The Drama Triangle, also called the Victim Triangle, is a great starting point. 

Social Anxiety

Christmas time can be a challenge for sufferers of social anxiety, with the pressure to be festive and to socialise, it can be the most stressful time of the year. Those suffering with social anxiety can obsess about such issues until they prove debilitating. It is estimated that social anxiety disorder affects up to 10% of the UK's population. The NICE guidelines describe it as the "persistent fear of or anxiety about one or more social or performance situations that is out of proportion to the actual threat posed by the situation”. Most individuals struggle with their supposed social inadequacies. Alongside; paranoia, lack of confidence and low self-esteem.
If you go to the party (you are amazing and brave if you do!) here are some tips to help you through.
·  Plan ahead; set a time you would like to go and like to leave by. Make sure you will feel comfortable for this duration. Stick to your exit plan.
·  Limit alcohol; I know one of the easiest things to do is turn to booze, masking some of the feelings and giving yourself some Dutch courage. However, this is not going to be the most helpful. There is a strong correlation between anxiety and alcoholism. It may also perpetuate the anxiety in the future. ·  Plan on what you would like to talk to people about at the party. Think of topics and conversations that you enjoy and how you could integrate them in. Ask questions, most people love to talk about themselves so see if you can ask questions that may give you a common ground; sport, studies, music. Maybe avoid politics!
·  Look out for those on their own; find someone who may be on their own or broken away from the group. Most people will be delighted that they have been approached and will engage in chat.
·  Be kind to yourself; you are fab that you have gone in the first place. Tell yourself that! You deserve praise and admiration! Show it to yourself. Repeat after me; ‘I am amazing and brave. I am enough’.  

Sex and Communication

Sex and communication: The ability to talk honestly and openly is vital in order to have a fulfilling sex life. The skills to do so can be learned which will greatly improve your sexual satisfaction and your relationship. Its not an easy thing to do, some people fear being embarrassed or embarrassing their partners. Not to mention the fear of being rejected or the possibility of ruining their relationships. Finally that many people are nervous about starting the conversation in the first instance so they just keep to themselves. Let's be honest; talking about sex is a very sensitive and uncomfortable topic for most people. All of these worries are completely understandable.

The Galaxy

The other day I was sitting on my laptop doing a deep dive into @nasa information of our galaxies, solar system and planets.
I became heavily immersed in learning about how each part is developed and evolves. It reminded me of the curiosity I had regarding pearls and how they are formed, in a previous post.

In nature beauty flourishes from even the darkest of places, the toughest terrain, or the harshest of conditions... to go with this metaphor; we humans can too.

What I'm saying isn't to minimise or dismiss the awfulness that is trauma, abuse or neglect. Nor am I saying that tough times are supposed to facilitate magnificence. But to remind us that we are worthy of glory and space, to be adored and adorned, no matter how things have been for us.

Harm in Therapy

Harm in Therapy is not a widely discussed topic. It is one that tends to be shroud in fear and shame by therapists. Which I believe has a lot to do with the public ramifications of a complaint....but that's for another day!

I think its important for us therapists to know that harm can be caused by anyone of us. None of us insusceptible, we all have capacity to inflict a wound.
We must keep this in mind not just in our work, but in our trainings (ensuring we are stretching our professional lense), our supervision (ensuring we are engaging reflexively and bringing in transference), our self-work (bringing our biases to therapy), and to our integrity (apologising for mistakes, working within our scope, being mindful of dynamics).
And let's be fair, a whole lot fecking more!

Writing this up wasn't easy, there was a dearth of articles. So apologies as this isn't as clear and multifaceted as I would like.