I LOVE inner child work. Our inner child is often at the root of our adult challenges. Connecting with that child facilitates healing of those issues through nurturing and care. I ask clients to try and visualise that child. Where is it sitting? In your body, in your head outside of you? Grab a pillow to represent it that helps instead. Then talk to the child, tell it how it is loved, cared for and important. As adults we can be really hard on ourselves, seeing pain and repressed emotions as a separate entity can help draw compassion and empathy.
Therapy is about team work. It's an amalgamation of discovery, exploration, and understanding. It is about allowing space to unpack, create changes, and grow insight. But when changes occur it's not isolated to the 50 minutes a week of therapy, rather all of the work clients put in outside of the clinical room.
Therapists don't have the answers or solutions but we can help foster opportunity to become cognisant.
So although, therapists and clients go looking for the keys together, clients decide whether to unlock the doors, and are the ones who ultimately walk through them. As both a therapist and a client myself, I can tell you, that's the hard work!
A gentle reminder; when you think about thanking your therapist for the growth that has occurred for you, show that gratitude towards yourself instead. You're the one who has put in the tireless work.
Intimacy and connection are just as important in later life as they are in younger years.The need for intimacy is ageless and you can enjoy sex for as long as you would like.
That being said, there are many biological changes that occur as a result of getting older, which may create changes in our sex lives and influence how we feel about ourselves and our body.
With men, testosterone levels gradually decline throughout adulthood; about 1% each year after age 30 on average. There are also changes in penile distensibility this means it may take longer to achieve full erections or be maintained. There can also changes in muscle contractions which can effect orgasmic and ejaculatory experiences.
For women decreases in estrogen may lead to vaginal dryness and painful penetration alongside slower sexual arousal.
Finally, any condition that affects your general health could also affect your sexual health. Specifically illnesses that involve the cardiovascular system, diabetes or hormonal problems that may increase with age. These can result in challenges to being sexually active.
None of these physiological changes can't be assisted and alleviated with medication, patience and communication.
Actually, the great thing is that sex can actually get better with age! With years of getting to know your body, no longer having some of the old and stressful distractions (such as work or raising children) and, if you're in a relationship; better knowledge of your partner. Adapting, expanding your mindset and communicating means sex never has to stop!
Active listening is about being immersed and engaged in what another person is saying, REALLY saying. 𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞, 𝐢𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠. Research suggests that we only remember between 25 percent and 50 percent of what we hear. That means that when you talk to your partner, friend or colleague for 10 minutes, you may be only paying attention to less than half of the conversation. As a result, you are not hearing the whole message, despite believing that you have. When I did my psychotherapy training we spent 2 months on purely listening. Not being allowed to talk or respond but to be present in what the other person is saying (verbal and non-verbal). Learning how to listen is a skill, but one any of us can master.
Some tips to become better at listening: Try continuously focusing on what the person is saying, be aware of their body language too, try park those thoughts that come in to interject or distract you, reflect back what is said, ask for clarification, and summarise what you have heard.
If you feel that someone isn’t listening to you, you can always ask if they are following what you have said or ask them what they have heard.
Reminder for all, on days like this where Trans identity and rights are seemingly up for debate. The current data suggests that up to 84% of trans people seriously consider taking their own lives with 54% actually attempting. The trans community are under supported within healthcare and are at high risk of being victims of hate crimes, violence, homelessness and unemployment. Not to mention mental health challenges due to lack of resources and facilities.
To be an ally isn't difficult, educate yourself on trans issues, check in on your trans friends, donate to causes (Mermaids, Stonewall, TENI), don't be silent. Everyone should be able to feel safe without fear of discrimination and prejudice. Peoples basic human rights are not up for debate.
(STATS from Speaking From The Margins-Trans Mental Health and Wellbeing Ireland)
Trust is the core of healthy relationships. They cannot function or blossom without it.
The most basic, content moments will be splintered. Anger, resentments, fears, will be condensed and boundless.
Safety is fundamental to the evolution of a relationship. Rather than the repetitive nature of the mistrust cycle. I always encourage people to have conversations or reflections on what a breach of trust looks like to them. It is a subjective definition, whereby it can look different to everyone.
Diabetes and erectile dysfunction: ED is a common issue for penis owners with diabetes, but when I was looking up the stats I found it difficult to find a common, evidence-based one. There are large variances in the statistics on the prevalence of ED with diabetes from 35% to 90%*! This is really down to the differences in methodology and population characteristics. But ultimately when you breakdown the stats you can see that ED is over 25% higher in those with diabetes. And occurs 10-15 years younger.
ED is a common multi-factorial complication of diabetes it can be due to the damage to nerves and blood vessels and linked with other conditions that may be experienced with diabetes, such as cardiovascular disease, or high blood pressure.
If you have diabetes and are experiencing ED, talk to your doctor. It doesn’t have to be an inevitability, and there are ways to treat it. Alongside this talk to your doctor about other health conditions that may be associated with diabetes and have an effect on ED. This includes looking at the medication you are taking as some meds worsen the symptoms or may have side-effects that impede on your sex life. Finally, there are a multitude of ways that you can get support, one of which is Psychosexual and Relationship Therapy. With COVID occurring the accessibility to therapists online should hopefully allow more flexibility to engage with sessions. *Stats are incredibly difficult to find for Trans or NB individuals. What I do know is that diabetes complications following gender-affirming hormone treatment such as cardiovascular disease and high triglycerides and high LDL cholesterol.
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Challenging and changing that harsh voice, is like changing a habit you've picked up and carried on for years.
It takes time, understanding and a whole heap of self-compassion.
It's no easy feat but practicing daily, even in little ways is conducive.
Some tips;
1. Give it a different name. Most inner critics aren't even us but originate from childhood years or society.
2. Make it sound funny/weird (for example give it Homer Simpson voice!)
3. Use the "what would I say to a friend" tool. It helps externalise.
4. Strengthen your compassionate voice, get it louder. Practice outside of times you feel triggered.
5. Mindfulness is a wonderful tool to help. @headspace have an exercise to help engage with self-compassion.
6. Be curious. Try to understand what tends to lie underneath the critical voice; fear of rejection, not being good enough, dismissal? So learn what your triggers may be to aid moving forward.
Ethical porn also goes by the name “fair trade porn,” or “independent porn.” You can still watch what you would normally but feel like you're making a difference.
So what does ethical porn offer?: Diversity; body, sexuality, gender, ethnicity. Ultimately changing the stereotypes that mainstream porn possesses.
Nobody is coerced or tricked into doing anything they don't want to. There are high working standards, rights, respect and fair treatment.
Producers tend to support beginners, making sure they understand that the consequences of acting in a porn film.
Most actors are over 21 as producers want them to have explored their sexuality. So scenes and actors are natural and comfortable.
Fair and respectful pay ensuring there is no exploitation.
Directors let desires and pleasure run freely and the actors are able to say ‘no’ without worry.
Think about it this way, if you are conscientious about animal treatment you may buy fair trade brands.
So if you want to continue your masturbation habits but want to be sure the performers you watch are treated fairly, consider ethical porn.
The last few weeks there have been a mammoth number of articles, tweets, posts and conversations around a possibility of a baby boom. But I know that many of you are really struggling with anxiety and the idea of sex/masturbation may be overwhelming. Yes, of course we can enjoy this time and get in touch with our sexual self and with our partner. But it’s important to recognise that this may not be how everyone is feeling. We are in the midst of a pandemic; the fear of the unknown, the uncertainty; can create anxiety and stress. These are two factors that greatly impede on sexual arousal and desire.
Anxious feelings can impede on your sex drive in a number of ways. Those overwhelming feelings we get when anxiety ramps up, empty those sexy thoughts out of our brains, inhibiting from being in the mood. There are also physiological effects of anxiety and worry, escalating the production of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol that make you feel on edge. This means the body can't physically unwind and basking in sexual sensations alongside climaxing tends to be a lot more difficult.
It’s ok not to feel desire, it’s ok not to want to have sex. This is a time of crisis, most of us are in a state of fear. @sexualwellness said to me so eloquently other day; "it’s the activation of the world’s nervous system” it is so palpable. Focusing on your communication, connection and intimacy can help ease the anxiety and get you feeling more together. Focus on your mental health, mindfulness, self-care, whatever makes you feel better.
You do you right now. That's all that matters.
Today I thought I would do a post on chronic fatigue syndrome and sexual functioning. An area with little research and conversation- which needs needs to drastically change. Over the years I have seen many clients presenting with CFS (in couples and as individuals) struggling with issues around sex. In case you don't know; chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) is a disorder characterized by extreme fatigue or tiredness that doesn’t go away with rest and can’t be explained by an underlying medical condition. CFS can also be referred to as myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME) which many people refer to it as.
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Research has shown that those with CFS have a higher level of avoidance of sex/sexual activity than those without, and all considering....for good reason. 85% of women with CFS reporting sex as negative experience leading to exhaustion. This is mainly due to the adrenaline increase that occurs during sex, creating exhaustion that may last up to 48 hours. Women experiencing chronic fatigue may report sexual pain and dryness and erectile dysfunction is more prevalent for men with CFS. Alongside this, depression and anxiety are also common for those diagnosed with CFS. With that in mind medications such as a low dose of antidepressants may be administered for not only mood disorders but for pain management too, as many people with CFS struggle with joint pains, sensitive lymph nodes and headaches. So some of these medications mean that side-effects can impact sexual functioning. This may all sound overwhelming but research trials that have occurred show that one of the best forms of support to assist people struggling with CFS and sexual functioning is psychosexual therapy, with couple therapy being the best option for those in a relationship. •
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Our sex lives are full of twists and turns as it evolves and changes across our life span. Chronic fatigue should be looked at the same way as any other issue that arises. Getting support from a therapist is a great way to assist in adapting and integrating changes so that those with CFS can have a happy, healthy sex life.
Monroe's activism, passion and integrity have always inspired and educated me, and this quote exemplifies that. We are constantly changing and evolving. I believe we can all learn from this quote and Munroe herself.
As we now live in the digital world, we are more saturated than ever with unrealistic beauty standards and body ideals, from the filters put on automatically, access to diet culture norms and, with the ease of a button we can punish ourselves through the comparison game. It can just seem like there is no escape. Where may that play out the most? When we are naked and vulnerable. Resulting in us spectatoring/self-surveillance when having sex. Trying to make the shift from performative sex towards pleasurable sexual starts outside of "the bedroom."
A tool I love is adding "isn't it fascinating/interesting/amazing?" So for example: "I have stretch marks...ISN'T THAT FASCINATING" if you hear yourself being negative. Language is powerful and this discourse disrupts the cycle alongside provoking curiosity.
Body love is wonderful, but to get to that point we have to start with body neutrality. As my previous post says, time, patience, practice and self-compassion.
Some of my favourite books are: 'My body is not an Apology' 'Be your own Best Friend' ' and 'You have the Right to Remain Fat', 'Better Sex Through Mindfulness,' 'Body Positive Power'
Work takes over, social lives get busy, life becomes chaotic. Sometimes sex doesn't happen like osmosis and it goes on the back burner. Desire can't always be innate and spontaneous. Planning in times to have sex is perfectly 'normal' and a healthy thing to do. We plan and make time for other aspects of our lives, why not our intimate part too? If you're worried about it not being sexy, think again. Start off by placing it in with a date night, or perhaps massages for each other, maybe it could be reminiscing and connecting. Make time for each other in this busy world we live in.
Clients often ask me how long therapy should be for them. I always tell them I can't answer that. The therapeutic path is not a simple one and is often painful and challenging. Yet it is incredibly rewarding when everything starts to fall into place. When I meet with people for the first time, I usually ask them what they are hoping to get out of therapy and how they feel their lives would be different. Then, as time progresses, I check in with them to see how they feel the work is going and to what extent they feel their goals are being met. Gradually and patiently the answer will come to the surface; that in fact time isn't important, it's the context of that therapeutic duration.
Lets debunk some myths on a Thursday afternoon. The perception that "having sex" means erections, penetration or combined, ostracizes many. Alongside this, is completely and utterly untrue. Great sex can be had involving the same leisurely, playful, whole-body caressing, that our poor-sex-education-definition gave us.
"Our souls crave intimacy"—Erwin Raphael McManus
Real intimacy is not found just by merging bodies in sex, it is a process – not a thing. It takes place over time and there are many different types including: emotional, sexual and intellectual amongst others.
It's important to harbour and develop intimacy in relationships through self awareness and knowledge not to mention the all important communication!
So, what is differentiation? It's the opposite of symbiosis (connection as one - where codependency can arise...we will leave that to another day!)
Differentiation, the way we hold on to ourselves while staying connected to our partner. Differentiation requires the individual to be honest with themselves and partner, open to personal growth and the ability to express how they feel/think/desire while tolerating their partner doing the same.
Differentiation facilitates authenticity and vulnerability, and resolving conflicts and accepting that you might not like each other at times!
Differentiation is something I talk to couples about from the beginning. It is interesting how often people become fearful of that change - within their partner or themselves- that holding integrity can create so much anxiety. In actual fact it can do quite the opposite! It can keep the passion alive, stop relationships becoming stale, break any repetitive cycle that's occurring with conflict (hostile/avoidance) and most importantly, ease re-traumatisation.
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Here are some tips to get you started with differentiation:
1. During a conflict or difficulty, try doing something that is 180 degrees different than what you have tried.
2. Question yourself: How are the current relationship issues made worse by you, your attitude, your way of looking at issues.
3. Confront yourself, not your partner. See how it feels and how you contribute to issues.
4. Ask yourself: Do I feel comfortable with my partner expressing their views, emotions or thoughts? •
See how it feels asking yourself these questions. If your differenation is strong in the relationship, you should be comfortable handing these over to your partner!
New research finds that comfort with sexual communication is directly linked to sexual satisfaction. Alongside this: People who are more comfortable talking about sex are also more likely to do so while having sex, the researchers found. Expressing yourself sexually tends to be easier during sexual activity as guards and barriers tend to be lowered. After all, people who are uncomfortable asking their partners to wear a condom may be at higher risk of having unprotected sex and exposing themselves to sexually transmitted infections. Which would reduce the fear of pregnancy or STI's and increase an individual feeling relaxed....not to mention the all important intimacy! So try to communicate and express yourself honestly. This will lead to a happier sex life.
Listening.
REALLY listening.
We all want to be heard. REALLY heard. We often prioritise that over listening. My favourite quote is; "Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply". How often have you found yourself doing just that? Sitting and listening to what someone is saying, but really thinking about your; emotions or rebuttle - getting geared up to respond. I know I have! That's why with couples that I see, I focus on getting them to listen, REALLY listen. The best exercise I find for this (Couple Therapists if you have good ones too please let me know!) is simple paraphrasing! This exercise is so easy to use and translates to most issues or topics you may be struggling with.
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All you need to do is; one person be the speaker and the other the listener.
Speaker: Discusses how they are feeling or thinking. Listener:Use your own words to communicate what you understand the Speaker to be saying (paraphrase). Don’t just repeat what the Speaker has said. Listener:: Verify, clarify, or modify the Speaker’s paraphrased response. Speaker: Paraphrases what the Listener has said again.
This is intended to help the listener to know that the Speaker is aware of the Listener's perspective and has heard what they have said. Paraphrasing and restating also allows the Speaker to correct any misunderstanding on the part of the Listener.
Side note; when I was 19 I remember seeing a big poster, and it's always stuck with me. It said; We have two ears, two hands and one mouth-to talk less listen more and do most.
