How to get intimate if you are struggling with anxiety
If you’re Googling how to be intimate, know this – loads of people might have forgotten how to get it on after a year locked down.
Just this week, stats from dating app Badoo found that 63% of you feel anxious at the thought of getting up close and personal. A further 43% admitted to feeling out of practice, saying you just aren’t used to physical touch.
Sure, dinners out and date nights are all well and good, but if you’re feeling stressed about actually getting close with others, it might be time to read some expert advice from the pros in the know.
What to do if you’re nervous about having sex again after lockdown.
Connection is vital for us as humans,’ says Aoife. ‘With an airborne virus, lockdowns, and restrictions, Covid has created touch deprivation like we have never seen before. ‘The omission of sex for many single people, may feel overwhelming and cause insurmountable anxiety. It can be scary enough getting back into dating and sex after a long break, let alone when there has been a global pandemic maintained by close contact. ‘However, with some self-compassion and care, alongside time and patience, sex and intimacy can become less daunting and more innate.’
What causes vaginismus? Vaginismus is the involuntarily contracting of the vaginal muscles when there is an attempt of vaginal penetration. It’s a condition thought to occur in two out of every 1,000 women. But it is not a one-size-fits-all condition. It’s complex and unique to each individual.
Vaginismus can feel very isolating and many women can suffer in silence. It can cause distress and anxiety which in turn can perpetuate the fear around penetration and lead to depression. This can often run into avoiding sex and distancing from your partner.
Tickets for the next Vaginismus Network event are now available! The event will take place 7-9pm(GMT) on Friday 5th March and will be hosted by Vaginismus Network founders Lisa and Kat, with talks from the following (drumroll, please....):
* Sex educator, sex clown and queer performer @eviefehilly
* Accredited Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist @drurytherapy
* The inspirational @vaginismuswho, who is passionate about normalising the talk around vaginismus and has 5 years of lived experience with the condition
* Pelvic pain warrior and @theeverydaymagazine Health & Well-being Editor @mypelvicpain
* Tiffany, a pelvic physio who started her Instagram account @gynaegirl to be the pelvic health advice and education that we deserved but didn’t get as young girls
* Writer and all-round cool human @bethashleywriter, who also has a lived experience of vaginismus
* Nina Parnham, founder of @suffolk_womans_wellness_centre, who is passionate about women’s health and sharing her knowledge with others
There will also be time to ask questions, if you would like to.
I wrote all about The Orgasm Gap, Sexual Scripts, discarding the word 'foreplay' and the importance of challenging the notion that Penis-in-Vagina sex is the pinnacle. Alongside this, ways we can tackle another gender-based discrepancy.
I believe that knowledge is power when it comes to shifting these narratives so the post is littered with scientific based research to counter act the lack of from most sex education we received growing up.... (Also its littered with terrible jokes, because that's how I am surviving lockdown! I make no apologies!) Equally I implore you to submerge yourself in science based, but relatable information.
In this piece I recommend picking up @thesexdoctor book Mind The Gap, @enagoski Come As You Are. The wonderful app by @weareferly (who are currently offering a discount if you get your skates on!), and podcasts: @therapywithcatriona and @katemoyletherapy both have wonderful ones (particularly the one they do with each other on Sex and Anxiety, on Asking For A Friend) not to mention @glowwestpodcast who has a whole host of people on, especially talking topics so rarely spoken on. @becky_crepsley_fox and I discuss this same topic on her podcast, recently released.
FINALLY! I will be chatting how The Orgasm Gap impacts our sex lives when there is sexual pain with @thevagnetwork in the event this Friday.
Sexual Intrusive Thoughts
I'm delighted to talk about one of my favourite, and rarely discussed topics; intrusive thoughts, with my inspiring friend and colleague of many years @katemoyletherapy. We talk all about how and why we experience them, how the impact our sex lives and what we can do to tackle them.
Relationships in Time of COVID
“I work with individuals and couples who may need support with sexual issues, conflict or connection with their partner or with themselves.
The pandemic is taking a toll on relationships, but what I’m seeing, and what a lot of other relationship therapists are seeing, are couples who may have been struggling already. Covid has amplified or perpetuated some of the problems — it’s almost been fuel to the fire…..”
I spoke to the wonderful @becky_crepsley_fox about The Orgasm Gap. How our sex education, sexual scripts, and societies views on gender can impact this discrepancy.
We discussed ways that you can challenge the narrative and what we need to do as a society to tackle these messages.
Listen to Sex Unshackled to hear Becky speak to some wonderful people normalise, debunk myths and educate freely.
Safe Guide To Virtual Sex
Single or separated from a partner right now? You can still be intimate. This article looks at ways to stay connected with your partner, while keeping safe. Just like every other aspect of life, plenty of us have also been moving sex online, with 21% of people in the UK being more sexually intimate virtually than in person, according to research by sexual wellness brand LELO.
Relationships in the Time of Lockdown
The pandemic has brought unique challenges to us all. However, one of the most prominent stressors are the challenges that we are faced within our relationship. Living through a pandemic with your partner, may have seemed like something from a Meg Ryan movie a year ago, but now it is riddled with unforeseen stressors. Childcare, health anxiety and finances are just some of the topics that result in conflict. In this article with @image.ie I give tips that may help to navigate your way through the challenges. Whether you live together or not.
Compulsive Sexual Behaviour
I spoke to Caroline West about the term ‘Sex Addiction’ the lack of scientific evidence we have to back it up. The WHO, CCMD, and APA don't recognise it as an addiction, rather a Compulsive Behaviour as currently outlined in the ICD-11.
We discussed that although it can FEEL like an addiction and a sense of being out of control, I don't use terms like 'relapse' or 'abstaining', these can reinforce feelings of shame and isolation. We really want to be building on creating healthier relationships with sex, and masturbation.
As a therapist I look at why the behaviour may occur in the first place; aspects like trauma, attachment, grief, depression, and anxiety, OCD, schemas, emotional regulation, self-worth (and many more reasons) may be factors. As therapists, we then try to support the individual by identifying and working through these challenges and integrating healthier ways of viewing themselves and coping skills.
Thank you to Caroline for creating this platform to facilitate these conversations that can normalise, destigmatise and challenge misinformation, so that people feel less alone and can access support.
Ever had thoughts of: Dropping a baby. Stepping in front of a train or off a ledge. Doubt that you love your partner (when you KNOW you do). Note: I've experienced these!
90% of people experience intrusive thoughts (Gagnon 1991, Clark 1993): Yet we rarely speak about them. The more we talk about this kind of thoughts, the less they become secret and maintain shame and power over us. ESPECIALLY ones of a sexual nature.
I felt incredibly lucky to speak to my WONDERFUL colleague and friend Catriona Boffard about a topic we both feel we need to discuss more.
Have you ever wondered if you’re the only one who gets those unwanted, terrible thoughts that come into your head unexpectedly…
You know the one’s I’m talking about. Crashing your car? Imagining everyone naked? What about something as upsetting as having sexual thoughts about to children?
In this weeks episode, psychosexual and relationship therapist Aoife Drury and I delve into a topic that is definitely not spoken about enough. We explore how these thoughts are always unwanted and cause someone immense distress, and what the difference is between the random intrusive thoughts we all get everyday, and the immense distress that thoughts like this can cause, and what behaviour they can result in. We talk about not letting these thoughts walk through the door, and how we need to explore and be curious as to whether our thoughts are fear or fact.
Struggling to reach orgasm? You are not alone.
Research shows that 50% of women not reaching climax during sex. Many things can stand in the way of orgasms and enjoyment, particularly among women. Medicines, including antidepressants, hormonal deficiency and partner issues are just some of the challenges that can be created reaching climax. However, stress is another big factor. During the pandemic stress may be amplified. Money worries, fears of illness, being isolated at home are all reasons to take a toll on your sex life and the ability to stay present, in turn having an impact on our orgasms. We are amid a pandemic; the fear of the unknown, the uncertainty; can create anxiety and stress. It’s important to recognise that this is a very normal reaction to an incredibly overwhelming situation.
Should we find freedom or fright in porn?
Porn, despite its links to anxiety reduction and a healthy appreciation of sexual encounters, has taken residence as the seedy underbelly of the technological revolution. It’s even been labeled a public health hazard by politicians in Utah. But does it deserve such a title, asks Kate Demolder
Coronavirus isolation: What a lack of touch is doing to us
Physical touch is essential for our physical and emotional health. It reduces stress, relieves pain and allows us to communicate feelings that we can’t convey with words alone. Many of us are missing human touch, but the loss is especially pronounced for people who have been advised to cocoon and avoid physical contact with their loved ones.
Being rejected can be tough, no matter how it happens, but dealing with rejection is one of those tricky things that we all need to learn how to do. Because, let's face it, rejection happens to everyone at one point or another.
So, how can you deal with rejection, why does it hurt so much, and what can you do to make it easier?
A Private Matter; The Vaginal Rejuvenation Industry
Caroline West spoke in The Sunday Business Post on the Vaginal Rejuvenation Industry and how it profits off the unrelenting standards of body image.
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Sex Therapist Aoife Drury states; ‘it’s important to remember that vulvas come in all shapes, sizes and colours and that each vulva is unique and individualised to its owner. Vulvas are not exempt from body shaming; these companies sustain messages of unachievable beauty standards by attempting to shroud messages of shame and inadequacy with beauty and wellness. Companies selling products that attempt to alter and or change the look of vulvas are only continuing to feed into the shame surrounding the appearance of female genitalia. These products are focused on creating and maintaining a level of insecurity for women whilst simultaneously profiting off them’. ⠀
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Caroline says: ‘Body positivity or body neutrality is one aspect of health but if it doesn't include education about the diversity of shape and colour in genitalia, the movement isn't complete. The market for sexual wellness is rapidly growing, projected to be worth $37 billion by 2022. It is crucial that caution must be taken to ensure this market is regulated, with product ingredients strictly regulated, and this industry should go hand in hand in with comprehensive sex education.'
Genital Matchmaking Surgery
Genital matchmaking is the latest trend to hit the 'sexual wellness' shelves and, yes, it's about as bizarre (and unnecessary) as it sounds. It refers to the process of modifying yours and your partner's genitals in order to create the 'perfect fit' when it comes to sex. But does genital matchmaking actually work? And why is the idea behind it so problematic?
The rise of ‘virtual affairs’ in lockdown
From masturbating to an ex’s Twitch livestream to revenge sexting, people who cheated during quarantine discuss their motives, guilt (or lack of), and whether the digital will become physical
The disparity between genders has been a constant throughout history and recently the spotlight has been shone on pay. The European Institute for Gender Equality (EIGE) each year publishes a Gender Equality Index and in 2019 it revealed that a women's mean monthly earnings are €2,808 in Ireland, compared to €3,423 for men.
The frustration that most of us feel can be exasperating. Unfortunately, there is another area where the discrepancy still lies, and that is in pleasure.
