The Irish Independent

Modern Morals: My girlfriend is depressed and dependent on me

Question: My girlfriend and I met a few months before the pandemic and we moved in together during the first lockdown.

The first few months were great, but then her mood changed quite drastically. She started spending a lot of time in bed — sleeping in in the morning and then going for long naps in the afternoon — and she has no motivation to do any of the stuff we used to enjoy.

Comments by Aoife;

It’s important to create an environment that is non-judgemental and allows her to express her needs. Often we listen to respond rather than to actually hear and sit with what the person is feeling. We may want to fix or make the pain go away, but this can result in negating their experience.

As much as we might love someone, we need to also look after ourselves, as the saying goes; you can't pour from an empty jug. It's important to remember that your feelings are vital too, and it's understandable that frustration, anger and sadness may be experienced. It's really tough to see a loved one overwhelmed with the darkness depression brings, and difficult to feel so helpless.

I would encourage him to also look after himself; making sure he is surrounding himself with support, spending time with friends and also engaging with a hobby. His life and needs are important too. Alongside this, if needed a trusted therapist could help.

If you do plan on ending the relationship I would be suggesting that he ensures that she has support from others, if cooking and self-care are difficult, then perhaps she might need an extra hand. Ensuring that she is supported if it ends.

Giddy

There Is No such Thing as Being too Wet

For women and vulva-having people one of the most common and relatable hangups is wetness. Thanks to stigma, shame, and a complete lack of honest discourse about how vaginas work.

In the article we discuss what “being too wet means”, why it happens, and how to overcome the shame correlated to it.

Irish Independent

10 Sex Resolutions for the New Year

Sex therapist Aoife Drury of drurytherapy.com explains what sex therapy is: “It is a form of talking therapy that tends to occur weekly, and it normally consists of exercises to do at home and to discuss with your therapist.

“You don’t have to be in a relationship in order to engage, nor do you need to be thinking about finding a partner. It’s a specialist, integrative way of working, with attention paid to all of the contributors — psychological, biological, pharmacological, relational and contextual — to sexual problems. We tend to reflect on your childhood experience with an emphasis on sexual development and experiences. This helps us better understand influences that may have impacted you over the years.”

Glow West Podcast

Sexual Pleasure

Glow West was finally live in front of a lovely audience, and I had the perfect guest joining me to pop this cherry. Aoife Drury, sex therapist and PhD candidate joined me to explore what sexual pleasure is, how we can achieve it, and what really goes on in a sex therapy session.

The Irish Examiner

The Pleasure Principle

The wonderful @drcarolinewest wrote a piece for @irish_examiner on Authentic Sex, a topic rarely (if never!) discussed in sex education. Caroline always writes in such an honest and insightful way that I feel most of us can relate to. This article is no different.
I was very grateful to be asked to comment alongside the knowledgeable and experienced @sexsiopa who runs an incredible online sex shop; www.sexsiopa.ie

World Association of Sexual Health 25th Annual Congress

Chemsex and the Barriers to Support

I feel very privileged, honoured (and surprised!) that I have been asked to carry out a presentation on Chemsex for @was2021congress

Two weeks ago, I and two incredibly knowledgeable colleagues spoke on Breaking Barriers within the sexual health field for @wasworldsexualhealth and @sexualhealthassociation . I spoke about 'Chemsex and the Barriers to Care'. In my presentation for the Congress I go into more detail, discussing;

•How the research has routinely come from a place of epidemiology rather than phenomonology (in other words from a public health angle rather than the voices of lived experience).

•How this is important in the impact of the biases and perceptions that society and health professionals hold.

•I speak about the importance and cultivating space to speak about the pleasures alongside the pain in order to be able to support people in a more holistic, balanced manner.

•I also discuss the possible avenues that need to be explored in relation to therapy. I believe Therapy must be person-centred and incorporate the subjective experience, and by doing that see how therapies such as EFT, EMDR, Existential Psychosexualtherapy (thank you to @meg_john_barker for their inspirational writing) could be drawn upon.

•Finally, it looks at the various ways by which we can shift these narratives, both on an organisational level but on a personal one too. Ultimately, allowing us to be better informed and equipped clinicians for our clients.

If you are a clinician in sexual health I would implore you to join us at the Congress. There are just a wide range of topics that are really pushing boundaries and exploring avenues that have been much negated.

Permission for Pleasure

Sexual Scripts

I was absolutely honoured to be on @cindyscharkey Permission for Pleasure podcast talking about Sexual Scripts, one of my favourite topics!
Sexual scripts are sexual constructs they are all about the learned messages we have received from society, on how we think we "should" behave or what role we "should" play in our sexual encounters, desires, relationships, and sexual selves. These can be both explicitly learned through messages, or passively through the unconscious. Either way they are super difficult to negate or even be aware of!
I talk about about philosophy and sociology and how that creates the structure by which sexual scripts started through.
Cindy and I talk through some examples of sexual scripts and how many of them are unhelpful, and perhaps even harmful.
We talk about how we can overcome these scripts by learning that you have power to deconstruct the narratives given to us.

World Association of Sexual Health

Breaking Boundaries

I'm very excited to be carrying out a presentation on Chemsex for @sexualhealthassociation and @wasworldsexualhealth it is such an honour to be surrounded by incredibly experienced clinicians and to sit on a panel with them, is a privilege. We talk about topics that deserve more space to be unpacked, researched, and understood in the sexual health sphere.

2 w

Paper Tuesdays Podcast

Talking Psychosexual Therapy

I feel very lucky to have been a guest on the podcast with @papertuesdays
When they asked if I would come on I jumped at the chance. These guys open up conversations that are very needed in this country while simultaneously making it a light and enjoyable listen.
I really enjoyed the depth of conversation, compassion that they held and the reflections that they had. I'm not sure how many times I said "oh great question!"
We chatted about everything from erectile dysfunction, sex education in Ireland, Schema Therapy, Attachment Theory, intrusive thoughts, Sensate Focus, vulnerability, psychiatry and sexual health. We even discussed touched on my favourite topic epistemology!

I came out of my office beaming!
I had such great fun whilst equally being able to have a conversation about difficult subjects.

Long may these normalising conversations continue.

Well Fed Photography

Sexual Wellness

In this episode we speak about what parents can do to reduce shame when it comes to sex and instead encourage body and sex positivity, this week’s episode was made especially for adults.
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Topics covered in this episode include erectile dysfunction, masturbation, the difference between addiction and compulsive behaviours, what to do when couples have differing levels of sexual desire, and the importance of partners carving out time to be intimate with one another.

RTÉ

How can couples stay on track throughout the pandemic?

The past year has seen people across Ireland facing intense challenges with mental health due to the trauma of extended lockdowns. This has played out in so many areas of our lives, but especially so in our romantic relationships.

Whether you found yourself locked down with a partner, separated from them, or if you're a single person, the pandemic has shown us just how invaluable things like touch, communication, and intimacy are and how much we often take those things for granted.

This Is Pop Baby

Party Scene Panel

I am really grateful to be sitting on a panel with some wonderful people tonight after the screening of the show; Party Scene (Reflections on a Chemsex Crisis)
Delving into the underbelly of queer culture, THISISPOPBABY present a filmed work-in-progress showing of a new dance/theatre piece about desire, intimacy, isolation and addiction.
Party Scene is a collaboration between choreographer Philip Connaughton and writer/director Phillip McMahon that celebrates the sweaty high of the session but asks tough questions about drugs, sex, consent and mental health in the queer community. Looking at Chemsex through an amoral lens, the show looks to create conversation around identity, self-worth, isolation, homophobia and family. It asks when does an underground scene become a community crisis, and when is it time for the party to end?

Marie Claire

How to get intimate if you are struggling with anxiety

If you’re Googling how to be intimate, know this – loads of people might have forgotten how to get it on after a year locked down.

Just this week, stats from dating app Badoo found that 63% of you feel anxious at the thought of getting up close and personal. A further 43% admitted to feeling out of practice, saying you just aren’t used to physical touch.

Sure, dinners out and date nights are all well and good, but if you’re feeling stressed about actually getting close with others, it might be time to read some expert advice from the pros in the know.

Metro

What to do if you’re nervous about having sex again after lockdown.

Connection is vital for us as humans,’ says Aoife. ‘With an airborne virus, lockdowns, and restrictions, Covid has created touch deprivation like we have never seen before. ‘The omission of sex for many single people, may feel overwhelming and cause insurmountable anxiety. It can be scary enough getting back into dating and sex after a long break, let alone when there has been a global pandemic maintained by close contact. ‘However, with some self-compassion and care, alongside time and patience, sex and intimacy can become less daunting and more innate.’

Womens Way

What is Vaginismus?

What causes vaginismus? Vaginismus is the involuntarily contracting of the vaginal muscles when there is an attempt of vaginal penetration. It’s a condition thought to occur in two out of every 1,000 women. But it is not a one-size-fits-all condition. It’s complex and unique to each individual.

Vaginismus can feel very isolating and many women can suffer in silence. It can cause distress and anxiety which in turn can perpetuate the fear around penetration and lead to depression. This can often run into avoiding sex and distancing from your partner.

The Vaginismus Network

Event

Tickets for the next Vaginismus Network event are now available! The event will take place 7-9pm(GMT) on Friday 5th March and will be hosted by Vaginismus Network founders Lisa and Kat, with talks from the following (drumroll, please....):

* Sex educator, sex clown and queer performer @eviefehilly
* Accredited Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist @drurytherapy
* The inspirational @vaginismuswho, who is passionate about normalising the talk around vaginismus and has 5 years of lived experience with the condition
* Pelvic pain warrior and @theeverydaymagazine Health & Well-being Editor @mypelvicpain
* Tiffany, a pelvic physio who started her Instagram account @gynaegirl to be the pelvic health advice and education that we deserved but didn’t get as young girls
* Writer and all-round cool human @bethashleywriter, who also has a lived experience of vaginismus
* Nina Parnham, founder of @suffolk_womans_wellness_centre, who is passionate about women’s health and sharing her knowledge with others

There will also be time to ask questions, if you would like to.

Image Magazine

The Orgasm Gap

I wrote all about The Orgasm Gap, Sexual Scripts, discarding the word 'foreplay' and the importance of challenging the notion that Penis-in-Vagina sex is the pinnacle. Alongside this, ways we can tackle another gender-based discrepancy.
I believe that knowledge is power when it comes to shifting these narratives so the post is littered with scientific based research to counter act the lack of from most sex education we received growing up.... (Also its littered with terrible jokes, because that's how I am surviving lockdown! I make no apologies!) Equally I implore you to submerge yourself in science based, but relatable information.
In this piece I recommend picking up @thesexdoctor book Mind The Gap, @enagoski Come As You Are. The wonderful app by @weareferly (who are currently offering a discount if you get your skates on!), and podcasts: @therapywithcatriona and @katemoyletherapy both have wonderful ones (particularly the one they do with each other on Sex and Anxiety, on Asking For A Friend) not to mention @glowwestpodcast who has a whole host of people on, especially talking topics so rarely spoken on. @becky_crepsley_fox and I discuss this same topic on her podcast, recently released.
FINALLY! I will be chatting how The Orgasm Gap impacts our sex lives when there is sexual pain with @thevagnetwork in the event this Friday.

The Sexual Wellness Sessions

Sexual Intrusive Thoughts

I'm delighted to talk about one of my favourite, and rarely discussed topics; intrusive thoughts, with my inspiring friend and colleague of many years @katemoyletherapy. We talk all about how and why we experience them, how the impact our sex lives and what we can do to tackle them.

The Independent

Relationships in Time of COVID

“I work with individuals and couples who may need support with sexual issues, conflict or connection with their partner or with themselves.

The pandemic is taking a toll on relationships, but what I’m seeing, and what a lot of other relationship therapists are seeing, are couples who may have been struggling already. Covid has amplified or perpetuated some of the problems — it’s almost been fuel to the fire…..”

Sex Unshackled

The Orgasm Gap

I spoke to the wonderful @becky_crepsley_fox about The Orgasm Gap. How our sex education, sexual scripts, and societies views on gender can impact this discrepancy.
We discussed ways that you can challenge the narrative and what we need to do as a society to tackle these messages.
Listen to Sex Unshackled to hear Becky speak to some wonderful people normalise, debunk myths and educate freely.