The Irish Independent

Modern Morals: My girlfriend is depressed and dependent on me

Question: My girlfriend and I met a few months before the pandemic and we moved in together during the first lockdown.

The first few months were great, but then her mood changed quite drastically. She started spending a lot of time in bed — sleeping in in the morning and then going for long naps in the afternoon — and she has no motivation to do any of the stuff we used to enjoy.

Comments by Aoife;

It’s important to create an environment that is non-judgemental and allows her to express her needs. Often we listen to respond rather than to actually hear and sit with what the person is feeling. We may want to fix or make the pain go away, but this can result in negating their experience.

As much as we might love someone, we need to also look after ourselves, as the saying goes; you can't pour from an empty jug. It's important to remember that your feelings are vital too, and it's understandable that frustration, anger and sadness may be experienced. It's really tough to see a loved one overwhelmed with the darkness depression brings, and difficult to feel so helpless.

I would encourage him to also look after himself; making sure he is surrounding himself with support, spending time with friends and also engaging with a hobby. His life and needs are important too. Alongside this, if needed a trusted therapist could help.

If you do plan on ending the relationship I would be suggesting that he ensures that she has support from others, if cooking and self-care are difficult, then perhaps she might need an extra hand. Ensuring that she is supported if it ends.