Using validation from others as proof as to our self-worth, results in a decrease of trust in our own judgement and self-belief. Self-acceptance is the foundation to affirmation, growth and contentment.
Challenge that; "is this good enough for them" to "is this good enough for me"
The term 'having sex' is a broad one, and is often perceived as penetration, this narrative ostracizes many. Always remember that you can characterise it as best fits you. Sex is whatever you (and your partner) define it as being.
Through this turbulent unprecedented time, riddled with uncertainty and fear, my thoughts are with the vulnerable. I wanted to particularly say that I am thinking of those who may be under threat or distress while quarantined, social distancing and/or restricted movement.
My solicitude is specifically with the individuals who are in isolation with an abusive partner, the LGBTQ+ kids who are on lockdown in homes where they can't be themselves, children who are unable to escape to the sanctuary of school, people with mental illness that may be exasperated more than ever. There are of course, many more who are at risk and vulnerable. If you know of anyone who may be in this position, reach out to them and let them know you are there. To those struggling, please know that despite feeling it; you are not alone and you are not forgotten
Following the incredibly sad news yesterday of the passing of Caroline Flack, I've seen my timeline explode with the importance of kindness, as Caroline spoke about herself. I’ve also seen the cruel and callous comments being made irrespective. As a therapist and as a person who is in therapy, I can say in great confidence that we really have no idea what goes on in peoples lives or in their heads. Treating people with kindness and compassion is vital. However, often that is difficult for many and as a result projecting anger, hurt and hatred through a screen. Sometimes this is through developmental, environmental and genetic issues. Not to mention biochemical aspects; GABA, Dopamine (which may give you hits when you act out) and Serotonin (depletion) all have a part to play. Wounds that are open and haven't healed can be a painful life to live: "hurt people, hurt people" - we have a responsibility, not only to others but to ourselves to be accountable for our actions. That doesn't lie just with being aware of our behaviours, but also reaching out for help and support. Unresolved trauma can be incredibly painful to live with, but it's not ok to displace it onto others. One of the most wonderful ways to heal is actually through self-compassion. So if you find yourself struggling with how you behave online or with others, seek out a therapist, talk to friends, journal, heal yourself in the best way you know how. When you create wounds in others you only deepen the ones you have yourself.
Alcohol dependency (alcoholism) and sexual dysfunction is so rarely spoken about and has such little research. Alcohol is believed to be an aphrodisiac but in reality, it has damaging effects on all aspects of sexual function. Unfortunately, sexual problems with alcohol dependency are multi-faceted. In one study* it was discovered that 59% of alcohol dependant men experienced erectile dysfunction and 84% reported some level of sexual dysfunction related to alcohol abuse. In another study* showed that 54% of those experiencing alcoholism faced greater sexual dysfunction than heavy social drinkers (28%). In women, one study reported that 85% of alcohol dependent women experienced some form of sexual dysfunction and 74% suffered from continued sexual dysfunction during early recoveryStruggling with alcohol dependency is overwhelming enough but the consequences that come with it can feel insurmountable.
If you are someone struggling with any of the above please know that there are many ways to receive treatment and I implore you to disclose any dysfunction you may be experiencing. AA alongside therapy is a great combination, speaking to your doctor is a brave first step and one that could considerably assist you.
*If you wish to read any of the studies please do drop me a line.
Sexual trauma manifest in different ways. Some survivors experience severe and chronic psychological symptoms, whereas others experience little or no distress. Every experience is different and of equal importance. Sexual trauma as adults is often associated with short-term and long-term psychological effects. These short-term effects include anxiety, fear, anxiety, confusion, and withdrawal. Many survivors encounter a decline in symptoms within a few months, whereas some may experience distress for years. The long-term trauma outcomes include PTSD, depression, eating disorders, sexual dysfunction, alcohol and drug use, suicidal thoughts and attempts alongside many other issues. It doesn’t matter what symptoms an individual may experience, it is vital to know that survivors deserve a safe space and their voice to be heard. If you are a survivor please remember not to measure yourself on anyone else's experience.
Celebrating milestones is significant in healing trauma, however, you don't have to wait until a certain time or occasions in order to do so. The fact that you are here and present is reason enough. You can celebrate as often as you want and any way that feels best for you. It has been shown that the nervous system can settle during times of trauma-healing when accomplishments are celebrated. Alongside this, it has been known to develop resilience. So, revel in the simple things; getting out of bed, leaving the house, talking through something difficult with your therapist-whatever feels right to you.
The celebration doesn’t mean popping a bottle of prosecco or writing a Facebook status (though if that is what you want, fire away!) There are lots of ways to can reward yourself subtly. Here are some of the ways I think are useful:
1. Reflection: Taking note of what you have been through and what you have just accomplished. Whether that is lying in bed or during a therapy session.
2. Being present: Some mindfulness or journaling. Maybe even going for a walk and revelling in your achievement/s.
3. Nurturing yourself: A bath, your favourite movie, a big slice of chocolate cake etc (though I encourage you to do these anyway!)
4. Self-compassion: Kind words, gentle words, positive affirmations. I have this habit of doing a small smile when nobody is watching, it always picks up my mood! By smiling, you are signalling the emotional centres of your brain and promotes the release of dopamine, serotonin and endorphins through your bloodstream. Ultimately releasing tension.
A topic rarely spoken about are symptoms of a mental illness that can create hypersexuality. This is mainly seen in manic or hypomanic episodes of bipolar (some 2.4 million people are diagnosed in the UK) where hypersexuality can occur. It is defined as the increased desire for sexual gratification, characterized by lowered inhibitions. Approximately 57% of individuals with a diagnosis of bipolar will experience sexual distress and dissatisfaction (FYI this can also be linked to hyposexuality due to depressive episodes/side effects of medication).
People experiencing hypersexuality may never feel satisfied with sex. They may want to continue having sex or masturbating for hours without truly feeling that they have completed the act. Not everyone experiencing a manic episode will become hypersexual, but it is linked to an elevated mood and pleasure-seeking behaviours which means it can be hard to control behaviours. This can be stressful for the person and any partners.
The heightened need for sex or sexual activity is not an issue in itself, it is, however, when it causes distress for the individual or couple. Particularly when it is compared with risk-taking, impulsivity or decrease in self-awareness.
Hypersexuality can’t be treated solely. Bipolar hypersexuality responds to treatment and will diminish when the symptoms of mania are brought under control. When the bipolar is effectively treated and symptoms are under control, those hypersexual feelings will dissipate. From my experience as a mental health professional, those who have sought treatment and have regulated their moods are often left feeling ashamed or hurt. It is absolutely vital to work at supporting the individual (and perhaps couple) through compassion and reassurance plus a non-judgemental approach.
None of us are perfect. Failing is part of life, it's part of being flawed, it's part of being human - none of us are exempt. Accepting that we will fail at some point or have failed previously, that it is perfectly normal and OK, can greatly decrease anxiety. Much like my previous post on control, holding onto the fear of failure can result in catastrophic emotions (anxiety, depression, envy, unhealthy anger, shame). You can, of course, feel disappointed or upset but understanding that failing does not indicate your worth can be incredibly empowering. You are of course, only human.
Whenever a new client with erectile dysfunction comes to me. I always encourage them to see a GP first. Physiological causes of erectile dysfunction (ED) be due to; hormones, side effects of medications, stroke, Parkinson's, structural issues to the penis and many more.
But in this post I am going to talk about cardiovascular disease (CVD) because it has been shown that ED occurs at rates as high as 50% in individuals with CVD. CVD can be used to predict the risk of ED because both conditions have the same risk factors. Conversely, ED may trigger events that further lead to coronary artery disease. Atherosclerosis (never ask me to pronounce it!) this is when plaque builds up inside your arteries and it is normally the reasons there is difficulty getting an erection. It can be caused by high blood pressure, diabetes or high cholesterol. It's basically a sign that the lining of blood vessels aren't working as well as they could.
The research out there is telling us that screening for ED could actually be an early detection of CVD or a sign of it already existing. So if you are someone at risk of CVD and experience ED please do go to the doctor and have a check up. ED could actually be a real saving grace.
In order to tackle an issue we must attempt to understand the root cause. Symptoms are an indication that something significant is not right.
Let's take anxiety for example. Anxiety is like the warning light on your car dashboard. It is trying to tell you that something is wrong. Its telling you to stop, to check and to pay attention to something. If you continue to ignore the warning light, you run the risk of breaking down. Most of us have done this, ignored that light (guilty!) But this only perpetuates the issue and puts us more at risk. Our body is similar to a car; it needs fuel, care and some respite. When our brain sends us signals that something isn't quite right (tight chest, palpitations, nausea, to name but a few) take note of it. Stop. Find out what it is telling you and then take care of yourself.
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and an important reminder that everyone can make a difference to others who have reached the point of wanting to end their lives.
In the UK, the suicide rate appears to have risen for the first time since 2013, according to new figures from the Office of National Statistics.
With a sharp rise in young women from the ages of 10-to-24.
Some of the reasons for this are:
Domestic abuse, pornography and unrealistic body ideals. However, if someone ends their life there is complex story behind it.
The WAIT acronym is a wonderful way to remember how to support someone who you maybe worried about. One of the biggest misconceptions I've heard, on numerous occasions from people, is the idea that you shouldn't mention suicide as it may give the person the idea to act on it. This couldn't be further from the truth. If you are concerned; ask. Ask if they have thought about ending their life. Ask if they feel like hurting themselves. Say that you are concerned. Opening up dialogue is a wonderful way of removing barriers, allowing and facilitating honest communication.
If you are someone experiencing suicidal thoughts. Know that you are not alone. Know that it's ok not feel ok. Know that it's ok to seek help. Please note my highlights where there are numbers you can contact to get support.
The need for control has a huge influence in all of our lives. Gaining and maintaining control can makes us feel more content and relaxed. However sometimes it can operate as a survival mechanism, offering an unhealthy way to protect ourselves. This can be due to trauma, a chaotic childhood, perfectionism and attachment issues. By attempting to control others, situations or the outside world, it creates a false way of decreasing anxiety.
Therapy is a wonderful way to get support and insight into the need of control and how to help overcome it. Discovering and recognizing the source of distress and learn instead to meet it with empathy and self- compassion, can help overcome the need for control as self-protection.
Something I see regularly in my consulting room, as I'm sure all therapists do (!) is anxiety. Most people I speak to don't immediately see the correlation between anxiety and sexual dysfunction they are presenting with. In fact, anxiety and sexual dysfunction have a highly complex relationship. Panic and worry have a physical effect on your body, ramping up the production of stress hormones like adrenaline that make you feel on edge. Often there is a strong cause and effect, this catch-22 tends to amplify both issues and lead people to feel isolated.
If you are experiencing anxiety and it is affecting your body image, ability to be intimate, or orgasm. Speak to a professional. Treating your anxiety in the first instance can often greatly alleviate sexual dysfunctions.
More often than not we have different preferences to our partner. Knowing that’s OK is one thing, showing it is another. If your partner has different preferences, talking through and seeing if you can negotiate or compromise may be really helpful; alternating turns in what you like, or combining fantasies are a few options. Remember; we are all entitled to our likes and dislikes, especially in an area as personal as sexual satisfaction. The other side of that coin is that your partner is too.
Ridding ourselves of toxic energy, experiences and people is an incredible way to feel energised and revived. More often than not we maintain the same patterns of behaviour and expect different outcomes. A cleanse can facilitate the build-up of clutter and sluggish baggage which can drag us down. We place so much energy, time and money into our physical well-being, we neglect how harmful the environment is around us.
One example of how to start a cleanse: Try jotting down three things that create the sense of 'junk' in your daily life - whether its specific people, social media or your own negative thoughts. Then list two ways you could tackle each one (you may find some match up.) Another thing is to write down daily, 2 things that you were grateful for that occurred that day. Finally implement some mindfulness, I advocate for the Buddhify app, it's my personal favourite and just do 10 minutes a day. Try using your new techniques for 3-5 days and see if you feel any different. The goal isn't to rid yourself of negative emotions, rather help clear out stagnant ones. So, whether it is cutting down, replacing healthy for unhealthy or a full on detox, this exercise helps us to become aware of the damage that negative emotions have on us.
Trauma plays havoc with the body, having space to dedicate towards your body healing too is a great idea. There are several approaches to healing trauma that are based upon the premise that humans are comprised of energy. Different forms of energy therapies are in use as alternative or complimentary treatments. These can range from Reiki, acupuncture and Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT). I am no expert in this field, however it is important to talk about these types of therapy to reinforce that one size does not fit all!
As we go through life we discover new ways to cope and protect ourselves from threats that can be linked to our younger years. For example; children with aggressive parents may as adults be submissive and conflict-avoidance, as their body remembers how they used to be overwhelmed when trying to fight back with parents. These are called "protective and safety behaviours". These behaviours are often rapidly activated. Despite the challenges and undesired consequences they may cause, it's important to note that these behaviours are absolutely not our fault and are incredibly understandable.
Celebrating milestones is a lovely way to be positive in your relationship. Revelling in each other’s achievements; from personal ones -like getting a new job, to collective ones-like monthly anniversaries, keeps the positive energy flowing. Being in a long-distance relationship can be a slog, so drawing on positive aspects can ease the tension. They can be an incredibly meaningful boost. It can remind your partner that they are a priority while also showing that you remember what is important to them. Another great aspect is that it brings you together. I constantly try to get couples to ‘turn towards’ each other. That means coming together as a team and building on the resilience you already have. Celebration can help booster just that!
I always ask clients detailed questions about their youngest years. We can inherit stress, poor self esteem, trauma and so much more in that duration. Children and babies are sponges: Between the ages of 0 – 6 are our programming years. It is when our brains are in their Delta and Theta brainwave frequency. These are the same states adults are in when meditating, daydreaming or under hypnosis.
At this age range children download massive amounts of information about the world and how it works and are incredibly open to suggestibility. These perceptions become the fundamental subconscious programs that shape the character of a person's life.
Children will begin to have made decisions at a sub-conscious level, about how they ‘should’ and ‘shouldn't ’ be or do in order to be seen as OK, and to feel secure within family, life and themselves.
As an adult these 'shoulds' later transform into our scripts and beliefs of how our lives 'should' and 'shouldn't' be: who we should pick as a partner or friends, what our goals and accomplishments may be etc. The role parents and adults play in these poignant years of children is crucial and many are unaware of what an impact they can have. So, be mindful around little ones, as they are picking up more than we realise.
